102 Funny Quotes

Funny Life Quotes

1. «Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.» — Anonymous
2. «The secret to a happy life is good health and a bad memory.» — Albert Schweitzer
3. «If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.» — Steven Wright
4. «I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.» — Anonymous
5. «I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.» — Anonymous

Funny Work Quotes

6. «I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.» — Douglas Adams
7. «Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.» — John F. Kennedy
8. «I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.» — Zach Galifianakis
9. «I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.» — Charles Lamb
10. «I work hard so my dog can have a better life.» — Anonymous

Funny Love & Relationship Quotes

11. «Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.» — Anonymous
12. «Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.» — Anonymous
13. «I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.» — Rodney Dangerfield
14. «Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.» — Will Ferrell
15. «Love is sharing your popcorn.» — Charles Schultz

Funny Money Quotes

16. «Money talks… but all mine ever says is ‘Goodbye’.» — Anonymous
17. «I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention!» — Anonymous
18. «Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.» — Gertrude Stein
19. «My bank account is like a deck of cards—if you take away four kings and a queen, I’ve got nothing.» — Anonymous
20. «I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.» — Phyllis Diller

Funny Food Quotes

21. «A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.» — Anonymous
22. «I just want someone to look at me the way I look at a buffet.» — Anonymous
23. «I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.» — W.C. Fields
24. «The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.» — Julia Child
25. «I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.» — Anonymous

Funny Wisdom Quotes

26. «Never put off till tomorrow what you can forget about forever.» — Anonymous
27. «Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.» — Anonymous
28. «Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.» — Jim Carrey
29. «Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.» — Anonymous
30. «Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.» — Elbert Hubbard

Funny Technology Quotes

31. «I wish my wallet came with free refills.» — Anonymous
32. «My Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.» — Anonymous
33. «Alexa, skip to Friday.» — Anonymous
34. «Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?» — Robin Williams
35. «I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.» — Anonymous

Funny Fitness & Health Quotes

36. «My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.» — Anonymous
37. «The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.» — Anonymous
38. «I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to lose my snacks.» — Anonymous
39. «Some people go to the gym. I just have to move my fridge to see results.» — Anonymous
40. «I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.» — Anonymous

Funny Parenting Quotes

41. «Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.» — Anonymous
42. «Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.» — Anonymous
43. «Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.» — David Frost
44. «My kid asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke him up at 3 AM and said, ‘Because I said so.’» — Anonymous
45. «The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.» — Dorothy Parker

Random Funny Quotes

46. «My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.» — Anonymous
47. «I’m on my second guardian angel. The first one quit and is now in therapy.» — Anonymous
48. «I told my suitcase that there will be no vacations this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.» — Anonymous
49. «Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.» — Anonymous
50. «I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.» — Anonymous